The Dead Moms Club by Kate Spencer

Author:Kate Spencer
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Da Capo Press
Published: 2017-11-01T04:00:00+00:00

RECIPE: HOW TO COOK WHITE RICE

Step 1: Open the cupboard and get the rice. If you don’t have any rice, give up and order a pizza. It will taste way better.

Step 2: Measure out one cup of rice. Pat yourself on the back because you’re really doin’ this! Good job.

Step 3: You are now supposed to wash the rice. I’ve never done this once in my entire life. Honestly, what is the point of cleaning rice when you’re about to boil the crap out of it a few seconds later? (Please don’t tell me the actual answer. I enjoy this ignorant, self-righteous rice bubble I’ve created for myself.) Decide who you want to emulate: a classy, clean-minded person who respects the laws of cooking or me, and move forward.

Step 4: Pour two cups of water into a pot. Easy-peasy. Sing to yourself “I take two cups water, I take one cup rice” to the tune of Paula Abdul’s 1989 hit song “Opposites Attract,” in which she duets with a cartoon cat. This is an actual thing that happened.

Step 5: If you really want to live on the flavor edge, toss a dash of salt in there, too.

Step 6: Boil the water. Marvel at how long it actually takes for something so insignificant to happen. Become overwhelmed at the thought of time, and how no matter how fast or slow it moves, it is both painful and beautiful. Begin to cry, and blow your nose in a damp dish towel because you forgot to buy tissues. Hang the towel back up. I won’t tell.

Step 7: Pour the rice in the water! It’s all happening! You’re cooking!

Step 8: Give things a stir, reduce to a simmer, and put the lid on the pot.

Step 9: Set a timer for twenty minutes.

Step 10: Wait.

Step 11: Wait some more. Good Lord, this takes a long time.

Step 12: Use these twenty minutes for something productive: fold laundry; unload the dishwasher; pay some bills.

Step 13: Give up on productive activity after one minute; use the remaining time to check Facebook.

Step 14: When the timer goes off, try not to beat yourself up for wasting nineteen minutes on Facebook.

Step 15: Turn off the stove and let the rice sit, covered, for a couple of minutes. Pace.

Step 16: Congratulations! You’ve cooked something all by yourself! Your white rice is ready to eat.

Step 17: Feel overwhelming pride and accomplishment. You. Did. It.

Step 18: Realize you could have just bought a bag of microwavable rice—or a rice cooker!—and avoided this whole thing. Next time.

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